When We Want To Quit

When I was in high school, during rugby tryouts we were often made to go on a run which was simply called, “The Quarry”, because of where it led. It consisted of running straight up hill for about 2.5 kilometers to a rock quarry before heading back toward school. The first time I did this particular run I was in 9th grade and I was certain I would die, not only because I was out of shape but also because RVA happens to be several thousand feet higher than home.
I remember running along, certain that I would never make it to the top because my lungs just couldn’t seem to get enough air. Still, I kept going, not because my body said it could keep going, but because I knew that hundreds of boys just like me had survived the run and so would I.

But the question for me still remains: What do you do when you want to quit??

I have been in Sudan now for almost nine months and I there are days when I get up and just want to quit. Let me paint you the picture:
I wake up and I am hot, sweaty and tired because the Pakistani UN camp, which is a mile away, has a noisy call to prayer at 5am. Then, I eat my oatmeal(which is an essential for my personal attitude toward life) and bang – the day starts. We need water for the compound and then we need water for the hospital and sand and cement and grass and then more water and……oh, then the truck breaks down and the mechanic is in a bad mood because we didn’t have any goat meat for dinner. Right about lunch time one of our drivers pulls me aside and says, “We need to meet”. So, I meet with the drivers and they tell me that they don’t believe in having to load the vehicles, they just want to drive them. In fact, they would be perfectly content watching me load the vehicles on my own; they just don’t want to break a sweat. They also want me to provide tea in the morning so that when they show up for work 30 minutes late they can waste another 30 minutes doing nothing. Of course, I agree because I’m hungry and ready for a break and its 110 degrees….not to mention the fact that I don’t feel like having to train new drivers since they are a scarce commodity. The headmaster of our school then sends me a note: the teachers want more pay. Finally at 3 I have found the time to get to the project I wanted to work on – the hospital lights aren’t working. At 5, I decide to give my guys a ride home and on the way some guy stops me and asks for a ride to the market which is only 100 meters away. When I tell him that he could walk there faster he proceeds to lecture me about showing him respect…. because after all I’m only in his country serving at the only hospital in over a hundred miles, providing textbooks for one of the few schools around and making sure that hundreds of people get clean water. At the end of day, I feel like I have wasted my energy on people who could care less that I’m here to lend a hand and am wondering how fast I can get out of here.

And then I step back and wonder – Is my attitude really that bad? Am I really that ready to quit? The answer is yes, but the real question is what I’m going to do about it. My mom likes to point out, after watching a lot of missionaries come and go, that most people hit a sticking point sometime between their first 6 months and year in the field. She’s right too – there comes a day when the novelty of the work wears off and it can be just a plain old pain in the rear. We begin to wonder if the work we’re doing is actually worth it and in the world of NGOs there is plenty of ammunition to say that it isn’t. So, what’s to keep me from quitting? I recently read a blog by another person working in Sudan that dealt with the difficulties of working here. He pointed out that there is a big disconnect between the western approach to work here and the Sudanese approach to that same work. I think that a big step in overcoming the frustrations is to recognize the differences in culture and look for ways to bridge the gap…..its pretty big!

But on a different note, what keeps me from quitting has nothing to do with cultures or bridging the gaps (not that they aren’t important). The differences are always going to be there and there are going to be difficulties wherever we work. I was recently reminded that when I was ready to come out here I wanted to have an attitude of learning. Along the way I started to think that maybe I had some of the answers….and maybe I do have a few answers but the truth is I really don’t know anything. This life is an amazing journey and this particular part of the journey might be very hard, but the lessons I learn from these hard times have so much more meaning than those that I learn from the easy times.

I would like to say that I like it here all the time, but the truth is I don’t. Often, I am frustrated and feel as if I am wasting my time and in those times I am ready to give up. But just as often I get to be involved in something great. I get to watch someone get better in our hospital or watch a kid get his primary school certificate.

There is so much for me to learn here, the King is busy and I can be a part of that if I will just take my eyes off my frustrations and poor attempts to solve the problems here…...for me, that’s a good enough reason not to quit.